When 7-year-old Marie came to live with St. Aemilian-Lakeside foster parent Ruby Hamilton, she had been removed from an in-patient psychiatric hospital that concluded the child was defiant, non-cooperative and doing herself more harm than good. After a little more than three months with Ruby and a daily focus on trauma informed care, Marie was getting along much better with other children and adults, displayed much less anxiety and consequent acting out, and was able to move back home with her grandmother.

“That made me feel good,” Ruby said. “It made me feel like I accomplished something with her.”

Deb Buchanan, the occupational therapist who helped Ruby learn several rhythmic and repetitive activities that are key to trauma informed care by promoting calming and healing, was surprised – and thrilled – that the case moved so quickly.

“It’s very encouraging to know that a caregiver with the qualities of Ruby, matched with trauma informed care information, had such an impact on this girl and she was reunified so quickly,” Deb said. “That’s really fantastic.

“Ruby provides a sense of safety and acceptance, she is patient, and she has a calm demeanor.” All of these qualities contributed to the relationship-building that also is central to trauma informed care.

Ruby said she just kept encouraging and re-directing Marie, who had experienced abuse and neglect by her biological mother. And she worked every day with rhythmic and repetitive activities, some of which she already knew about through trauma informed care training she had received at St. Aemilian-Lakeside. The regimen included bean bag tossing, hula hoops, rope-jumping, running, and ball-playing as well as deep breathing.

“It really calms them down,” Ruby said. Rhythmic and repetitive activities work on the lower portion of the brain, which controls behavior in a child in the throes of anger or terror. Higher-brain functions such as reasoning and logic – “Why are you acting like this?” — are not even accessible when a traumatized child is experiencing stress and fear. For more information, click here.

Ruby also met with Marie’s grandmother and re-enforced the need for doing these activities regularly at home.

While living with Ruby, Marie spent half days in day treatment and half days in school. Ruby advocated for Marie at her school, telling them that rather than suspending her for perceived bad behavior they should try some of the things that would stabilize her. For instance, she told them to try to give Marie a quiet place and a coloring book, because the child colors to soothe herself when she is anxious and on the verge of a full-blown crisis.

Being foster mother for youth who have serious life concerns can be a challenge, Sherrie Miller says. But she can’t seem to break the ties she forms with the kids she helps.

Sherrie, who works through St. Aemilian-Lakeside, has cared for several challenged girls in the seven years she’s been a treatment foster mom. And she maintains contact with almost all of them. Three have had babies, and she was there at their births. One didn’t have food one time and Sherrie collected food for the young woman. Her former foster kids call her for advice, such as how to fill out a tax form.

One former foster child, whose file initially made Sherrie think she would be really difficult, turned out to be one of the best placements she had. The young woman is now in nursing school, Sherrie proudly recounts.

“I teach them, ‘Don’t burn bridges; you never know when you’ll need someone,’ ” Sherrie said with a smile, talking about all the bridges she has maintained.

She now has two 16-year-old foster boys, along with her biological son, also 16. Her son “wasn’t crazy about the girls, but he’s getting along really well with the boys. They have fun together, rap together, do boys stuff.”

But things aren’t always smooth. As with any teens, these kids have their ups and downs. Sherrie handles the downs with affection and humor. For instance, one of the boys got suspended from school.

“Rather than screaming and fussing, I just gave him a big hug and said, ‘You must be having a bad day, and you love me so much you wanted to be home with me to clean up the attic.’ ”

One of the boys faked a seizure. “I just said that for every minute he’s unconscious, I’m deducting from his allowance. He woke up and recovered very quickly!”

Sherrie ensures that the foster boys maintain contact with their biological moms, who, for various reasons, can’t care for them. “I tell them (the moms), ‘There is nothing that can really replace a mother. That bond can’t be broken. Your being in their lives helps me, and it really helps them a lot.’ ”

It is unusual for a foster parent of seriously challenged kids to maintain ties to this degree, but the biological mothers really admire her parenting skills, Sherrie said, and they can see how happy their kids are.

There is a real need for foster parents, Sherrie said. She tells people who are interested, “You’ll be doing a great service if you open up your home … These kids need to be with a family … And this is giving back to the community, helping boys and girls who have no role models, become parents at a younger and younger age, often get involved in drugs or alcohol and suffer abuse,” she said.

And the rewards are great. “When I get a hug or a kiss or a compliment, that’s reward enough,” she said, adding that she’ll continue to foster kids in needs “as long as I can do it.”

Being a retired, single man could mean spending lots of time fishing, or traveling, or just hanging out more. For Lee Harris, 57, it means being a foster parent for an 11-year-old boy with serious behavioral challenges.

“I’m pretty much a settled-type person,” Lee said. “So I’m not really making a huge sacrifice. I don’t see this as interfering with what I want to do. I relax at home!”

But caring for his foster son is not really what most people would call relaxing. Lee is involved in the PTA and all the boy’s school functions and hobbies, he attends behavioral training programs at St. Aemilian-Lakeside, through which he is licensed, and he really works at helping his foster son overcome his problems and have a better life.

The way Lee sees it, the boy spent 10 years without someone regularly reminding him how he is supposed to behave. When the boy joined Lee’s home in May 2010, he acted out a lot and had serious problems respecting women.

“But I’ve learned a lot of behaviors can be overcome, through persistence, trying to help him deal with issues, being patient, and above all, showing a lot of love and concern.”

Lee says it is particularly important for boys to have male role models, so they learn what it really means to be a man, and not to define themselves through pop culture.

“Boys need the input from men to see the caring and compassionate side of men. Strength is not like it’s portrayed on TV or in music. A lot of it comes from enduring love.”

Lee says he talks to his foster son daily about the importance of respecting people and treating them like you would want to be treated. The good news is that the boy is accepting his advice more and more, and sometimes he will even apologize for unacceptable behavior.

Lee sometimes gets a surprised reaction to a middle-aged man taking in a foster child.  “But that’s until they get to know me; then they think I’m right for this.”

In addition to getting the satisfaction of knowing he can help a child be a better person, Lee has learned to really appreciate the traditional role many women play, he said.

“A lot of men don’t realize what it’s like to be a single mom; I’ve got to give credit to women who do so much for three or four children, and I’ve got only one!” he said with a smile.

Lee said he wishes more men would get involved in becoming foster parents. One of his greatest rewards, he said, is an occasional hug or a thank you from his foster son. “But even if he doesn’t say anything, I can feel it. Just to see his face, to see how happy he is … sometimes I just observe his face, and then I know.

“It’s not too challenging. Any man who is willing to put in the time and effort can do this,” he said. “And you get someone who loves you and appreciates you for what you do.”

Jacqueline Lambert started fostering children when she was 19, not through any agency, just helping out friends and family. Since 16, she tutored younger kids and baby-sat. When she was 38, she saw an ad for a professional foster parent and applied.

For the last two years, Jacqueline has worked in that role, which entails taking in a child with severe behavioral challenges (levels 3 and 4). She also taps into community resources.

The goal of the program, which is a full-time job through St. Aemilian-Lakeside, is to transition a child within a year back to his or her home, to a longer-term foster care setting, or to an independent living program that supports youth who are aging out of foster care.

Jacqueline, a single professional with a master’s degree in educational psychology and a bachelor’s degree in sociology, has had a 16-year-old girl with her since December 2010. Previously she had a 14-year-old. Although she is highly trained, the lessons she has learned working with children who have suffered trauma such as abuse and neglect are pertinent for any foster parent – or the parent of any child.

And the rewards she achieves are great: just getting her foster child to go to school regularly is a big one. Getting a child to sit properly at a table may seem small but can be a really gratifying sign of progress, she said.

“I love working with kids and knowing the progress they make is coming from something I’m helping them with.”

Behaviorally challenged foster kids, from levels 3 and 4, may not often say thanks, but actions speak louder than words. After the first girl she fostered moved back home, Jacqueline found a paper she had written on who is her hero in life – naming Jacqueline.

“I knew I had an impact, I just didn’t know it was that much or that she felt that way,” Jacqueline said.

How does she help kids progress? Rather than giving them just rules, she gives them expectations, allows them to make mistakes, and rewards success – but not all the time, to keep them on their toes. She teaches that you may not always like the things you have to do in life – like going to a therapy session – but in the end, these things are necessary and beneficial.

The biggest challenge working with troubled adolescents, she says, is getting them to take responsibility for their own actions, “because, in life, there are consequences for everything you do, whether good or bad.”

When people ask her about becoming a foster parent to children who have suffered trauma, she tells them the most important thing is willingness to focus a lot of time and attention on the child. It’s a choice she freely made.

“I pick the child everyone says is the worst child,” she said smiling. “But I know that everybody has something good in them. You just have to see it — and then you have to show it to them.”

Understanding that the trauma that some foster children have suffered is behind their challenging behavior and not feeling sorry for them are keys to Erma Springfield’s success in working with these young people.

“When I first got involved with foster care (for levels 3 or 4 children), I thought I could cure these kids, that they just needed someone to work with them and that they’d be fine,” she said with a laugh. “I learned I can’t cure them, that they have to work on their issues themselves; my job is to help them and make sure they have support.

“And I don’t feel sorry for them. I feel empathy. If you understand that they have been traumatized, you don’t take things they do personally.”

Erma, who has been a SAL foster parent for challenged children for eight years. Here, through classes and regular visits from a foster care specialist, she learned all abut the effects trauma such as abuse and neglect have on children and ways to work with these kids. She said she learned to change her point of view from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”

As an example, she points to a 14-year-old whose mother did not want her at home because of her behavior and who then had to leave a temporary home where she had become close to her foster mother. When she moved in with Erma, the girl had tantrums and jumped up and down like a 2-year-old.

“But I realized she has this sense of loss; she’s mourning! I sometimes say, ‘I’d be upset too if all this was happening to me!’”

With foster kids, Erma notes she hasn’t had an influence on them since they were babies, which makes it more difficult bringing them into her home. Her work has been with girls, mostly teen-agers. She has a 13-year-old biological daughter at home, in addition to two adult children.

“Its hard, hard work,” Erma said. “But it makes you feel good about helping these young ladies … It’s rewarding when you talk to these kids, about respect and respecting themselves,  and the importance of education and getting a job, and you get to a point where they can discuss their issues.”  And sometimes, when she is just talking with them about everyday things, like music or fashion, it can be downright fun.

Erma first learned about being a foster parent for challenged children from another one. She has now recruited her adult son and is working on getting a friend into the St. Aemilian-Lakeside program.

“I tell them the truth. This is hard, but a lot of kids need someone who actually cares about what happens to them and has their best interests at heart  … And they see my foster kids are not monsters,” she added with a laugh.

On a practical level, Erma said traumatized children who don’t get help may end up having a negative impact on the community.

“If you can’t get them on the right track, they could be the kid who comes up and robs you or steals your car.”

Why does Erma continue working with troubled kids? “Even though it’s a very difficult and challenging job, it seems like I was cut out for it,” she said with a smile. “You just have to want to do this – and make a difference.”